Feeling Trapped in Your Marriage? 5 Things Every Man Must Do Before Having an Affair
Maybe you are sitting in the car in your driveway, not ready to go inside. Maybe there is someone at work who laughs at your jokes and looks at you the way your wife used to. Maybe you typed "should I have an affair" into a search bar, then cleared your history.
If you are feeling trapped in your marriage, here is the first thing you deserve to hear: the feeling is real, and it is information. It is telling you something important is missing. What it is not telling you is that an affair is the answer.
I'm Christine Walter, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and ICF Professional Certified Coach. I work with high-achieving men who solve problems everywhere except at home. This post will not lecture you. It gives you five things to do before you make a choice you cannot take back, and what the newest research says an affair actually costs.
What the latest research says about why men cheat
Most men who cheat are not villains, and many are not even in miserable marriages. That is exactly what makes the pull so dangerous: it can happen to a good man who loves his wife.
First, some perspective. Cheating is less common than the culture suggests.
An Institute for Family Studies analysis of General Social Survey data found the share of married men ages 25 to 54 who report cheating fell from 21% in the 1990s to 11% in 2021–2022 (Deseret News summary).
Most married men, including most men who feel unhappy, never cross that line.
When men do cheat, the reasons are usually not "I stopped loving her."
Psychologist Dylan Selterman's team surveyed 562 people who had been unfaithful and identified eight core motives: anger, sexual desire, lack of love, neglect, low commitment, situation (stress, alcohol, travel), self-esteem, and variety.
Men were more likely than women to be driven by sexual desire, variety, and circumstance.
Other findings point the same way:
Happy men cheat too. In Dr. Shirley Glass's research, 56% of men who had affairs described their marriages as happy, compared with 34% of women. In her practice, 62% of unfaithful men met their affair partner at work.
Love and sexual frustration can coexist. A 2023 study of nearly 2,000 Ashley Madison users, mostly men, found they reported strong love for their spouses but very low sexual satisfaction. About half were not having sex with their partners at all.
Most men feel the conflict. A 2026 study of 3,429 people affected by infidelity, co-authored by Dr. John Gottman, found 73% of those who had affairs felt regret while the affair was still happening.
What "trapped" usually means
In my work with men, "trapped" is rarely about one thing. It is usually sexual disconnection, plus loneliness, plus stress that has nowhere to go.
That loneliness is real. The Survey Center on American Life found 15% of men had no close friends in 2021, up from 3% in 1990. And according to Pew Research Center, about three in four adults would turn first to a spouse for emotional support. When your wife is your only real connection and that connection is strained, the walls close in fast. An affair starts to look like air.
1. Name what you are actually hungry for
An affair is an answer. Before you accept it, get clear on the question.
"I'm unhappy" is not a need. It is a weather report. The research above shows men stray for very different reasons: sexual frustration, wanting to feel desired, craving novelty, needing to feel competent, or simply escaping pressure. Each of those has a different solution, and only some of them involve your marriage at all.
Try this tonight. Finish the sentence "I want to feel ___" ten times without editing yourself. Then look at your list and ask two questions:
Have I ever said this plainly to my wife, without blame?
Could this be met inside my marriage, or inside my own life, through friends, purpose, health, or play?
Most men discover the hunger underneath is something like "wanted," "seen," or "alive." An affair feeds that hunger for a while. It does not teach you how to keep it fed. If feeling invisible at home sounds familiar, my post Feeling Unseen in Your Relationships? goes deeper.
2. Rule out burnout and depression first
Sometimes the marriage is not the cage. Sometimes the cage is you, running on empty, and the marriage is simply where you notice it.
Men's depression often does not look like sadness. A large JAMA Psychiatry study found men more often report anger attacks, irritability, substance use, and risk-taking. When those symptoms were counted, men and women met criteria for depression at nearly equal rates: 30.6% of men and 33.3% of women. The lead researcher noted that this kind of depression can show up as gambling or womanizing rather than tears.
Chronic stress works the same way. When your nervous system has been braced for years, everything familiar starts to feel heavy, and anything new feels like relief. Selterman's research even lists high stress as one of the situations that pushes people toward infidelity.
Ask yourself honestly:
Am I sleeping badly, drinking more, or snapping at people I love?
Is it only my marriage that feels gray, or also my work, hobbies, and friendships?
When did I last feel genuinely rested?
If everything feels flat, an affair will not fix it. It will just be a very expensive high. A therapist or physician can help you sort out what is depression, what is burnout, and what is truly the relationship. My post on the 9 signs of a dysregulated nervous system is a good place to start.
3. Have the conversation you have been avoiding
Most men who feel trapped have never told their wives, in plain words, how close to the edge they are. They hint, withdraw, or go quiet. Then they tell someone else.
That last step matters. Dr. Shirley Glass found that a common path into an affair begins when someone starts confiding problems in their marriage to another person. The person you complain to becomes the person you feel close to. Bring that honesty home instead.
If sex is the issue, you are far from alone. In the Ashley Madison study, about half of the men seeking affairs were not having sex with their spouses at all, yet most still said they loved them. That is a solvable problem, but only if both people know it exists.
You might open with something like this:
"I need to tell you something hard, and I'm not blaming you. I've been feeling lonely and disconnected in our marriage, and I'm scared about where my head has been going. I want us to fix this together. Will you go to someone with me?"
A few guidelines help:
Pick a calm moment, not the middle of a fight or right before bed.
Say what you want more of, not only what is wrong.
Expect hurt or defensiveness. That is a normal first reaction, not a final answer.
This conversation is frightening because it makes you vulnerable. An affair feels easier because it lets you skip that step. But only one of those paths can actually change your marriage.
4. Get a professional involved before there is a crisis
Most couples wait until after an affair to get help. By then, they are repairing a betrayal on top of the original problem. Going now means working on one problem instead of two.
You also do not need to be sure you want to stay.
Researchers estimate that about 30% of couples who come to therapy are "mixed-agenda" couples, where one partner is leaning out and the other wants to save the marriage. For exactly this situation, Dr. William Doherty developed discernment counseling, a short process (often one to five sessions) that helps you decide whether to recommit, separate, or keep things as they are for now. In an analysis of 100 consecutive cases, about half of couples chose to start couples therapy to reconcile.
Three kinds of support can help, depending on where you are:
Where you are | What helps |
Confused, not ready to involve your wife | Individual coaching or therapy to sort out what you feel and want |
One foot out the door | Discernment counseling to decide with clarity |
Both willing to work on it | Couples therapy focused on connection, communication, and sex |
This is the work I do every day with men and couples, online and in Fort Lauderdale.
If you want a confidential place to think this through, book a session with me here.
5. Close the open windows, then play the tape forward
Most affairs are not one big decision. They are a hundred small ones: the private text, the long lunch, the inside joke you would not want your wife to read.
Shirley Glass found that 82% of the unfaithful partners she treated began with someone who was "just a friend", and the workplace was the most common meeting ground.
If you are reading this because there is already a specific person, protect yourself now:
Stop private messaging. If you would not show the thread to your wife, it is already too close.
No one-on-one drinks, dinners, or late nights with that person.
Stop sharing your marriage problems with them.
Delete the apps and the secondary accounts.
Tell one trusted person what is going on, so the secret loses its power.
Then play the tape forward. Picture the day your wife finds the messages. Picture sitting across from your kids and explaining why you are moving out. Picture your next relationship, carrying this history into it.
New relationships feel electric partly because they are new and secret, with no bills, no carpool, and no history. Every long marriage was once that exciting. The question is not which feels better tonight. It is which life you want in five years, and what the science says each choice costs.
The real consequences of an affair, according to science
An affair is never as private as it feels. The research shows the costs land on your wife, your marriage, your children, your health, your finances, and you.
Who pays | What the research shows |
Your wife | Women who experienced a husband's infidelity or a threat of separation were 6 times more likely to be diagnosed with major depression than a comparison group. In a study of young adults betrayed by a partner, 45% showed symptoms of probable infidelity-related PTSD. |
Your marriage | Infidelity was the most common "final straw" reason divorced people gave. Among people who had cheated on a spouse, 40% were divorced or separated, versus 17% of those who never cheated. |
Your children | Adults who believed a parent had cheated were significantly more likely to cheat in their own relationships, in part because of the messages they absorbed about what is acceptable. |
Your health, and hers | People in secret affairs were 27% to 35% less likely to use condoms and 64% more likely to be using drugs or alcohol than people in openly agreed non-monogamous relationships. That risk comes home to your wife. |
Your money | In Florida, judges may consider adultery and its economic impact when setting alimony. Laws vary by state, so speak with a family law attorney where you live. |
You | People who cheated in one relationship had 3 times the odds of cheating in the next. And 73% of people who had affairs felt regret while the affair was still going on. |
"But I read that cheaters don't feel guilty"
You may have seen headlines about the 2023 Ashley Madison study, where affair-seekers reported high satisfaction and little regret. Two details matter. About 80% said their spouses did not know, and the participants were a self-selected group who joined a site built for affairs.
The much larger 2026 study found the opposite pattern: most people who had affairs felt real regret, still loved their partners, and had no plan to leave for the affair partner.
The hopeful part
Marriages can survive infidelity. In the 2026 study, 76% of people who had affairs ended them and stayed with their original partner. When the unfaithful partner answered questions honestly and cut off contact, 93% of married or engaged couples stayed together. The authors caution that their participants were already motivated to heal.
Here is the point, though. Everything that helps couples recover after an affair, honesty, reassurance, and professional help, is available to you right now, before there is a betrayal to recover from.
Ready to talk? Schedule a confidential session
Feeling trapped is not a character flaw. It is a signal that something needs attention, and you do not have to sort it out alone or in secret.
I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and ICF Professional Certified Coach who works with high-achieving men and couples. Together we can figure out what you are really missing, whether your marriage can give it to you, and what your next honest step is. Sessions are available online and in person in Fort Lauderdale.
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) in the U.S., or go to your nearest emergency room.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to feel trapped in a marriage?
Yes. Many long-term partners go through seasons of feeling stuck, especially during periods of stress, sexual disconnection, parenting demands, or midlife change. The feeling is a signal that a need is going unmet. It is not proof that the marriage is over, and it is not a reason to have an affair.
Why do men cheat if they love their wives?
Research shows love and infidelity often coexist. Men are more often motivated by sexual dissatisfaction, a desire for variety, or situational pressures such as stress and opportunity. In Shirley Glass's research, 56% of men who had affairs described their marriages as happy.
Can a marriage survive an affair?
Often, yes. A 2026 study co-authored by Dr. John Gottman found 76% of people who had affairs ended them and stayed with their partner. Recovery is most likely when the unfaithful partner ends contact, answers questions honestly, offers reassurance, and the couple gets professional help.
Is an emotional affair cheating?
Most people say yes. A secret relationship that involves emotional intimacy, sharing marriage complaints, or flirting usually feels like a betrayal to a spouse, even without sex. Shirley Glass found most affairs she treated started as friendships, which is why boundaries matter early.
Should I see a coach, an individual therapist, or a couples therapist?
If you are still sorting out what you feel, start with individual coaching or therapy. If one of you is leaning toward divorce, discernment counseling can help you decide. If you both want to work on the marriage, couples therapy is the next step. A consultation can help you choose.
References
Cano, A., & O'Leary, K. D. (2000). Infidelity and separations precipitate major depressive episodes and symptoms of nonspecific depression and anxiety. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 68(5), 774–781. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.68.5.774
Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Ziegler, A., & Karathanasis, C. (2012). Unfaithful individuals are less likely to practice safer sex than openly nonmonogamous individuals. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 9(6), 1559–1565. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2012.02712.x
Cox, D. A. (2021). The state of American friendship: Change, challenges, and loss. Survey Center on American Life. Summarized in Fatherly.
Doherty, W. J., & Harris, S. M. (2017). Helping couples on the brink of divorce: Discernment counseling for troubled relationships. American Psychological Association. Summary at Marriage Resource Centre.
Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for "mixed-agenda" couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42, 246–255. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12132
Florida Statutes § 61.08. Alimony. Florida Public Law
Glass, S. P. (2003). Not "just friends": Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal.Free Press. Related interviews: Fresh Air, NPR; "Shattered Vows," Psychology Today interview.
Knopp, K., Scott, S., Ritchie, L., Rhoades, G. K., Markman, H. J., & Stanley, S. M. (2017). Once a cheater, always a cheater? Serial infidelity across subsequent relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46, 2301–2311. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1
Martin, L. A., Neighbors, H. W., & Griffith, D. M. (2013). The experience of symptoms of depression in men vs women: Analysis of the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. JAMA Psychiatry, 70(10), 1100–1106. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2013.1985
Nickerson, K., Rein, B., Gottman, J., Stone, R., Davies, R., Petrova, M., & Johnson, A. L. (2026). Should I stay or should I go after infidelity: Pathways to relationship preservation after an affair. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2026.2680162
Pew Research Center. (2025, January 16). Men, women and social connections. Pew Research Center
Roos, L. G., O'Connor, V., Canevello, A., & Bennett, J. M. (2019). Post-traumatic stress and psychological health following infidelity in unmarried young adults. Stress and Health, 35(4). https://doi.org/10.1002/smi.2880
Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Allen, E. S., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 2(2), 131–145. PMC4012696
Selterman, D., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. (2019). Motivations for extradyadic infidelity revisited. The Journal of Sex Research. Summary at University of Maryland.
Selterman, D., Joel, S., & Dale, V. (2023). No remorse: Sexual infidelity is not clearly linked with relationship satisfaction or well-being in Ashley Madison users. Archives of Sexual Behavior. Summary at PsyPost.
Wang, W. (2018). Who cheats more? The demographics of infidelity in America. Institute for Family Studies. IFS
Wang, W. (2025). Men with prestigious jobs are more likely to cheat. Institute for Family Studies. IFS
Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2017). Exploring intergenerational patterns of infidelity. Personal Relationships.Summary at PsyPost.
This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individual therapy, medical care, or legal advice.
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