Why Your Relationship Feels Stuck (And How Couples Grow Through It)

Christine Walter
Sep 24
4 min read

Updated: Nov 10

Every couple hits moments that feel impossible. One partner pulls away while the other clings. Arguments circle with no resolution. Intimacy fades into routine. Many people think this means their relationship is broken.

But what if these struggles aren’t signs of failure — but signs of growth?

Ellen Bader, Ph.D., co-founder of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, offers a powerful perspective: relationships, like people, move through stages of development. Each stage has its own challenges, but those challenges aren’t proof of incompatibility. They’re invitations to grow.

When couples understand these stages, they stop asking “What’s wrong with us?” and start asking “What are we learning here?”

The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy

The Developmental Model views relationships as an evolving process, not a fixed state. Just as individuals mature through phases of childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, couples also move through distinct stages.

When couples get stuck, it’s usually because they’ve hit the natural edge of one stage and don’t yet know how to move into the next.

The Stages of Relationship Growth

Relationships grow in stages. Knowing where you are is the first step toward moving forward.

1. Symbiosis (Fusion)

In the beginning, love feels like merging. You finish each other’s sentences, crave time together, and feel almost inseparable.

Challenge: In this stage, couples often lose individuality. One or both partners may over-accommodate.
What couples say: “We never fight, but I feel like I’m disappearing” or “We’re so close, but I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Growth task: To build trust while beginning to express individuality.

What to Do in This Stage

Enjoy closeness, but start voicing your unique preferences and needs.
Schedule small, intentional times apart to strengthen both individuality and trust.
Create rituals that balance separateness (solo hobbies) and togetherness (shared traditions).

📖 Related reading: The People-Pleasing Trap

2. Differentiation

Over time, differences surface. One partner wants more closeness, the other more space. Conflicts increase, and couples fear they’re drifting apart.

Challenge: Learning to handle differences without panicking or blaming.
What couples say: “We fight all the time” or “I can’t be myself without upsetting them.”
Growth task: To tolerate tension, respect individuality, and discover that conflict doesn’t mean the end of love.

What to Do in This Stage

Reframe conflict as growth, not danger.
Slow arguments by pausing, breathing, and reflecting back what you heard before responding.
Repeat together: “We’re different, but we’re still safe.”

📖 Related reading: How to Emotionally Regulate Your Relationship

3. Exploration

After surviving differentiation, partners often begin to explore their individuality more fully — diving into careers, hobbies, friendships, or personal growth.

Challenge: Partners may feel neglected or insecure when the other invests energy outside the relationship.
What couples say: “We’re more like roommates than lovers” or “I feel like we’re living separate lives.”
Growth task: To support each other’s individuality without losing the thread of connection.

What to Do in This Stage

Support each other’s independence without assuming it means rejection.
Create intentional quality time (date nights, weekend check-ins).
Talk openly about closeness vs. autonomy needs.

4. Reconnection (Rapprochement)

Couples eventually find their way back toward one another with new wisdom. They’ve weathered differences and now seek deeper intimacy that honors both individuality and togetherness.

Challenge: Trusting the relationship again after conflict or distance.
What couples say: “We’re trying again, but it feels fragile” or “We’re learning to love each other differently now.”
Growth task: To rebuild intimacy while respecting independence.

What to Do in This Stage

Acknowledge what you’ve survived and the lessons you’ve learned.
Create small rituals of reconnection (daily check-ins, affectionate gestures).
Be patient: intimacy rebuilds gradually, not instantly.

📖 Related reading: Betrayal and Trust Repair

5. Synergy (Mature Love)

This stage is not “happily ever after,” but something even better: partners who are differentiated, connected, and committed to ongoing growth.

Challenge: Avoiding complacency and continuing to nurture passion and intimacy.
What couples say: “We’ve been through so much, but we’re stronger for it.”
Growth task: To co-create a relationship that is stable, alive, and resilient.

What to Do in This Stage

Keep nurturing romance; don’t let stability slide into autopilot.
Set new goals or adventures to grow together.
Celebrate your resilience — recognize how far you’ve come.

Why This Model Matters for Your Relationship

When couples don’t understand these stages, they misinterpret growth as failure. A fight feels like the end. A desire for space feels like rejection. Exploration feels like abandonment.

But when you see conflict as developmental, everything changes. Struggle becomes signal — not of doom, but of growth.

Couples therapy using Bader’s Developmental Model helps partners:

Normalize conflict as part of growth, not a sign of incompatibility.
Build skills for differentiation, so individuality strengthens the bond instead of threatening it.
Rekindle intimacy after periods of distance.
Develop resilience, so the relationship can keep evolving through life’s stages.

A Therapist’s Perspective

In my work with couples, I often see the same pattern: one partner feels abandoned, the other feels suffocated. They get stuck in blame. What the Developmental Model reveals is that both are experiencing the same stage differently.

When they learn to hold tension without collapsing into old patterns, they discover a new level of closeness. Instead of circling the same arguments, they begin to grow together.

Free Resource: Which Stage Is Your Relationship In?

Want to know where you are right now — and what to do next?

📂 Download our free checklist: Which Stage Is Your Relationship In?

This transformational resource will help you:

Recognize the signs of your current stage.
Learn practical next steps for growth.
Reframe challenges as opportunities to evolve.

The Next Step in Your Growth

If your relationship feels stuck, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re ready to grow.

The good news? Growth is possible. With guidance, couples can move through conflict and disconnection into a deeper, more resilient love.

💡 Ready to stop feeling stuck and start growing together? Book a session with me today and begin your journey through the stages of relationship growth.