When Someone Pushes You Away But Secretly Wants You to Fight for Them

Why emotional withdrawal is often a disguised cry for closeness—and what to do about it

There’s a heartbreak few people talk about.It’s not the kind that comes from slamming doors or tearful goodbyes. It’s the quieter kind—the one that lingers in unsent texts, sudden distance, and confusing silences.

They say they need space. But they still watch your stories.They tell you to go. But their eyes plead: don’t.

Welcome to the emotional purgatory of the push-pull dynamic—a place where one person keeps stepping away, not because they don’t care, but because caring feels dangerous.

If you’ve ever felt like you were loving someone who seemed to fear their own feelings, this is for you.If you've ever whispered “just tell me what you want” into the dark, this is for you too.

The Confusing Paradox of Mixed Signals

You’re not imagining it.

They reach for you one moment—then retreat the next.They open up, share something raw, and the next day pretend nothing happened.They test your patience, your commitment, and your emotional endurance—not out of malice, but out of fear.

What’s happening isn’t always manipulative.Sometimes, it’s trauma playing tug-of-war with connection.

They’re not trying to hurt you.They’re trying to protect themselves from being hurt by you—before you even get the chance.

Why the Brain Sends Mixed Signals

From a neurobiological perspective, we are wired for connection—but also for self-protection.

According to Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011), our nervous system constantly scans for safety in relationships. This process—called neuroception—happens automatically, below conscious awareness.

For people with attachment trauma or abandonment history, closeness feels good and threatening.Their body may perceive intimacy as a setup:

“If I let you in, you’ll leave. So I’ll leave first—or confuse you enough that you can’t hurt me.”

This isn’t immaturity. It’s survival.But survival strategies don’t make for sustainable love.

The Push-Pull Dynamic, Explained

At the heart of this pattern is attachment ambivalence.

• The “pull” comes from a deep longing for emotional intimacy.

• The “push” comes from fear of engulfment, rejection, or not being enough.

Often rooted in disorganized attachment, this pattern is common among people who grew up with inconsistent caregiving—love that was available one day and withdrawn the next.You learn to crave love, but also brace against it.

As adults, they may send conflicting messages:

“Prove you’ll stay.”“But don’t get too close.”“Show up for me.”“But don’t expect me to trust you.”

What It Feels Like to Be On the Receiving End

Loving someone in this cycle is like trying to build a house during an earthquake.

You try to be patient.You give them room.You hold on when they push, believing they just need to feel safe.

But over time, you start shrinking.You question yourself:

“Am I asking for too much?”“Maybe I just need to love them harder.”“Maybe if I prove I’m safe, they’ll finally relax.”

But here's the truth:No amount of chasing will heal a wound that wasn’t yours to begin with.

What the Research Says

Psychological research consistently shows that insecure attachment is one of the strongest predictors of emotional inconsistency in adult relationships.

In a 2016 study published in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, individuals with high attachment anxiety or avoidance were more likely to engage in “deactivating strategies”—pulling away emotionally, avoiding vulnerability, or testing partners through silence and withdrawal (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007; Overall et al., 2016).

Meanwhile, securely attached individuals tend to resolve conflict more directly, communicate needs openly, and recover faster from relational stress.

So if someone is constantly oscillating between wanting you close and pushing you away, they’re not being “hot and cold”—they’re emotionally dysregulated.And unless they commit to healing that dysregulation, your love cannot anchor them.

Nervous Systems in Relationship

A key truth most people overlook?

You’re not just in a relationship between two minds.You’re in a relationship between two nervous systems.

If one person’s system says “proximity = danger,” and the other says “distance = danger,” you will enter a looping cycle of reassurance-seeking and withdrawal.

One partner chases. The other retreats.And both feel misunderstood.

Why Some People Want You to Fight for Them

Let’s pause here.Because yes—sometimes, people do push you away hoping you’ll fight for them.

Not because they want drama.But because they learned love has to be earned.

Maybe they only received attention growing up when they were in distress.Maybe love was proven through sacrifice, persistence, or pain.

So they recreate that dynamic with you:

“If you really loved me, you’d stay even when I make it hard.”“If I make you prove it enough times, I’ll finally believe you won’t leave.”

This isn’t conscious. It’s patterned.And while it may come from a place of pain, it is not your job to be the healer.

The Line Between Loyalty and Self-Abandonment

Fighting for someone who’s hurting is noble.But there’s a difference between showing up—and showing up to be tested.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel loved here, or just needed?

• Am I allowed to have needs in this relationship?

• Is my worth being questioned every time they pull away?

Staying becomes self-abandonment when:

• You ignore your own exhaustion.

• You silence your needs to avoid “pushing them away.”

• You confuse inconsistency with passion.

Here’s your reminder:True connection doesn’t require performance.

How to Respond With Both Strength and Compassion

If you find yourself in this dynamic, here’s what may help:

1. Name the Pattern Without Blame

“I notice that when things get close, it feels like you pull back. Can we talk about what happens for you in those moments?”

This brings awareness without accusation.

2. Set Emotional Boundaries

“I care about you deeply, but I need clarity. I can’t keep guessing where I stand.”

You’re not being needy. You’re being honest.

3. Stop Trying to Earn Safety

If someone’s love feels like a test, stop showing up like a student. You’re allowed to choose peace over performance.

What If You’re the One Doing the Pushing?

This blog may feel personal in another way.Maybe you’re the one who fears closeness, who retreats when things feel too good, who sabotages love just before it gets real.

If that’s you—know this:You are not broken. You are scared.

And fear is not your enemy. It’s a messenger.

Instead of judging it, get curious:

• What does my nervous system believe about intimacy?

• Who taught me that love is dangerous?

• What happens in my body when someone gets too close?

Healing is possible.But it requires presence, practice, and often, professional support.You don’t have to push people away to protect yourself anymore.You get to rewrite the pattern.

When to Stay. When to Walk Away.

You cannot force someone to feel safe.You cannot perform your way into someone’s healed attachment.

But you can love someone while choosing your own clarity.You can set boundaries while still being compassionate.

And you can recognize when:

• The pattern is shifting

• Or the cycle is simply repeating

If they keep pushing without taking responsibility…If they only want you when you leave…If you feel like a lifeline instead of a partner…

Then the most powerful move isn’t to stay and fight.It’s to walk away with love still in your heart—and peace finally in your body.

What Real Love Feels Like

Real love doesn’t punish you for needing reassurance.It doesn’t disappear when you get close.It doesn’t test your loyalty with silence or coldness.

Real love lets you rest.It lets you speak your truth without fear.It doesn’t make you prove your worth—it reminds you of it.

If you’re stuck in the push-pull, know this:

You’re not too much.You’re not too sensitive.You’re not wrong for wanting love that feels safe.

You’re just ready.