Relationships between parents and their grown children can become strained, especially when you feel respect has dwindled. It’s painful to sense that your young adult or adult child no longer values your guidance or treats you dismissively. Why does this happen? Often, deep-seated fears and guilt keep parents stuck in unhealthy patterns – for example, the fear of losing the relationship can lead a parent to tolerate disrespect or walk on eggshells to please their child. At the same time, as children grow into independent adults, the old parenting approach must evolve; the parent-child dynamics shift and require a new approach to maintain mutual respect. The encouraging news is that it’s never too late to change course. By understanding the psychology behind these relationship ruts and applying research-backed strategies, you can rebuild mutual respect. Here are six powerful, practical strategies – grounded in expert advice – to help you regain respect in your relationship with your older child.

1. Stop Chasing Their Approval

It’s natural to crave our children’s love and approval. However, constantly chasing your adult child’s approval can backfire. Psychologists note that some parents become so dependent on earning their child’s validation that they prioritize the child’s needs over their own, ultimately sacrificing their own dignity and well-being in the process. Ironically, this people-pleasing behavior can diminish your child’s respect for you – they may sense your fear or desperation and feel more power to push boundaries.

What the research says: Family therapists describe this dynamic as a form of codependency or enabling. When a parent’s self-worth hinges on a grown child’s approval, the parent might tolerate disrespect or unreasonable demands just to stay in the child’s good graces. In the long run, this doesn’t foster true respect on either side.

How to implement this strategy: Start by reclaiming your own self-respect. Remind yourself that you are an adult in this relationship, too – you deserve respect as much as you want to give it. Practice making decisions without immediately worrying whether your child will approve. For example, instead of bending over backwards to do things their way (in hopes of praise or acceptance), calmly do what you believe is right. You might say to yourself, “I love my child deeply, but I will no longer contort myself just for their approval.” This shift in mindset can be freeing. Focus on validating yourself rather than chasing validation from them. Often, when you stop scrambling for approval, you project more confidence and steadiness – qualities that naturally earn respect.

2. Don’t Argue — Lead by Example

When conflicts arise with your grown child, it’s easy to get sucked into heated arguments or yelling matches. Unfortunately, arguing and lecturing rarely win the respect you seek. What does work far better is staying calm and modeling the respectful behavior you want to see. In fact, experts advise that parents communicate their expectations calmly and respectfully and avoid screaming or insult-trading, even if the adult child is being confrontational. By refusing to engage in a shouting match, you demonstrate emotional maturity.

Lead by example in every interaction. Keep your tone civil, listen actively, and show you can disagree without disrespect. Research on family communication finds that it’s crucial for parents to “lead by example, showing the kind of respect and behavior you wish to receive in return.”

If you consistently exhibit honesty, patience, and respect toward your adult child (and others), you set a standard. They may not change overnight, but over time your behavior sends a clear message: this is how adults communicate and handle disagreements.

Practical tips for leading by example:

Take a pause instead of reacting: If a discussion is getting heated, take a deep breath (or even a break). Showing self-control under pressure is a powerful example.
Use respectful language: Even when correcting your child or holding them accountable, use words that are firm but not derogatory. For instance, “I understand you’re upset, but I will not be spoken to that way,” said calmly, asserts boundaries without name-calling.
Own up to mistakes: If you do overreact or say something harsh, apologize sincerely. A parent who can admit fault models humility and responsibility – traits that command respect.

Remember, respect is a two-way street. Studies on adult family conflict note that if grown children feel their parents don’t respect them (for example, by dismissing their opinions), they are likely to respond with disrespect.

By leading with the respect you expect, you break that cycle of argument and resentment. Over time, your consistent calm may encourage your child to mirror that maturity.

3. Withdraw Your Emotional Dependence

One often-overlooked issue is when parents become too emotionally dependent on their adult children. This can happen subtly: perhaps you’ve relied on your child for companionship, vented to them about your every worry, or centered your emotional life around their ups and downs. If so, it’s time to gently pull back. Your grown child cannot be your primary emotional support – and expecting them to play that role can actually erode their respect for you.

Clinical psychologist Emma Citron explains that parents sometimes lean too much on their children emotionally, especially if the parent is lonely or struggling. She warns that “parents can get over emotionally dependent on their children”, essentially using the child as a confidant or crutch, and “that’s not helpful” for the relationship.

It burdens the child and blurs the healthy parent-child boundary. In other words, if you treat your child like your therapist or best friend, it flips the roles and creates discomfort. The child may feel overwhelmed or lose respect, seeing the parent as needy rather than nurturing.

To withdraw emotional over-dependence, start by finding other outlets for your emotional needs. This might mean confiding in a spouse, a friend your own age, or a therapist about your worries – instead of unloading everything onto your child. Pursue stress-relieving activities (exercise, journaling, prayer or meditation, etc.) to manage anxiety or sadness, so you’re not looking to your child to “fix” those feelings. Of course, it’s okay to share feelings with your kids in moderation – honesty and vulnerability have a place – but strive for balance. For example, rather than telling your son “I’m so lonely since you moved out, I don’t know what to do without you,” you might simply say, “I miss you, but I’m finding new things to do and I’m okay.” This lets them know you care, without making them responsible for your emotional well-being.

By becoming more emotionally self-sufficient, you actually become a stronger parent. You’re showing your adult child that while you love them, you don’t need them to regulate your emotions. This reduces any unspoken pressure they might feel and lets them interact with you out of love, not obligation or guilt. Over time, they’ll respect that you have your own emotional footing.

4. Set Boundaries and Reinforce Them

Respect and boundaries go hand in hand. If your adult child has been acting disrespectfully or taking advantage of you, it’s a sign that clear boundaries need to be established (or re-established). Boundaries are basically the rules of respect: they define what behavior you will and won’t tolerate and how you expect to be treated. Importantly, once you set a boundary, you must follow through consistently so that the boundary has real meaning.

Psychologists strongly emphasize boundary-setting for parents in your situation. One expert advises: “Establish and communicate clear boundaries regarding what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Consistently enforce these boundaries to ensure that respect is maintained.”

In practice, this could mean telling your adult child that you will end a conversation if they start yelling or calling you names – and then actually doing so if it happens. Or it might mean setting a policy that you won’t lend more money unless past loans are repaid or there’s a serious plan in place. Whatever limits are important for your well-being, spell them out calmly and stick to them.

Real-world implementation tips for setting boundaries:

Identify your non-negotiables: What behaviors from your child hurt you the most or violate your values? (e.g. disrespectful language, unmet household responsibilities, financial dependency without effort to improve, etc.) Those are prime areas to set boundaries.
Communicate boundaries clearly: Have a calm, firm talk (or write a letter/email if that’s easier) laying out your rules. Use “I” statements. For example: “I will not continue conversations when I am being insulted. If it happens, I will walk away.”
Anticipate pushback: Your child might test the new limits. Be prepared to stand your ground. If you’ve said you’ll hang up the phone when disrespected, actually hang up the next time they cross the line. This consistency shows you mean business.
Stay calm and consistent: Enforcing boundaries can be emotionally tough – you might feel guilty or fear angering your child. But remember that boundaries are healthy. Every time you reinforce the line, you’re teaching them how to treat you and others. Over time, this earns respect, even if there’s friction at first.

Boundaries might feel uncomfortable initially, especially if you’ve never had firm ones with your child. But boundaries are an act of love – love for yourself and for them. They set guidelines for a healthier relationship. In many cases, once the dust settles, adult children come to respect parents who stand up for themselves and enforce fair rules, even if they groused about it at first.

5. Stop Giving Without Appreciation

Are you constantly giving to your grown child – whether it’s money, favors, housing, or endless support – and getting little but ingratitude or entitlement in return? If so, it’s time to reassess the one-way generosity. Parents often give and give out of love, but if your giving is met with disrespect or lack of appreciation, you could be inadvertently enabling bad behavior.

It’s not about being cruel or cutting off support out of spite; it’s about expecting basic respect and responsibility in return for what you do. Family counselors warn that certain enabling patterns send the wrong message. For instance, if “you pay for everything” and over-function for your adult child while they slack off, it can reach a point where “your children don’t respect you.”

They may come to see the parent as an endless resource they’re entitled to, rather than someone to value and appreciate.

Take a hard look at what you’re giving versus what you’re receiving. Do you find yourself helping beyond what is healthy – like regularly covering their expenses, bailing them out of trouble, doing their chores, etc. – and yet they act entitled or indifferent? If yes, consider adopting the empowering mantra recommended by psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein: “No more.” When an adult child fails to acknowledge your love and the things you’ve done for them, “you have to set boundaries and say, ‘No more.’”

This doesn’t mean you stop loving them; it means you stop allowing your kindness to be abused.

How to implement this in real life? Start setting limits on your giving. You might say, “I’m happy to help you in emergencies, but I won’t continue funding your lifestyle monthly,” or “I realize I’ve been doing a lot for you. Going forward, I need you to take on those responsibilities yourself.” The first few “no’s” will be hard – you might feel guilty as a parent. But remind yourself that over-giving in the face of disrespect isn’t noble; it’s harmful to both of you. By scaling back unappreciated favors, you encourage your child to stand on their own two feet. They may stumble at first, but they will learn to value what you do choose to do for them. And when you do say “yes,” make sure it’s on your terms and that there’s at least basic gratitude and respect shown.

In short, stop enabling and start empowering. Your support should be a privilege, not a right. Once your adult child understands that you will no longer bankroll or bend over backward for them while being disrespected, they’ll have a strong incentive to adjust their attitude. They’ll learn to appreciate your support rather than taking it for granted.

6. Build a Life Outside of Them

One of the most inspiring ways to regain respect is to live a full life of your own. Parents often pour so much of their identity into their children that when the kids grow up, the parents feel empty or purposeless. If your world has revolved entirely around your child, it’s not only unhealthy for you – it can also feed a dynamic where the child feels smothered or responsible for your happiness, which can breed irritation instead of respect. The solution is to gently reclaim your independent life. Show your adult child (and yourself) that you are a whole person beyond your role as “Mom” or “Dad.”

Prioritizing your own well-being isn’t selfish; it’s crucial. In fact, experts encourage parents to practice self-care and pursue their own interests, which in turn lets you approach the parent-child relationship from a place of strength and confidence.

Think about it: when you’re busy with your own meaningful activities, you’ll be less emotionally over-invested in every little thing your child does. You’ll have your own sources of joy and validation. This not only makes you happier, but it subtly shifts the dynamic with your child. Instead of seeing a parent who’s anxiously waiting by the phone or living vicariously through them, they see a parent who is fulfilled and interesting in their own right. That fosters mutual adult respect.

Ways to build a rich life outside of parenthood:

Rediscover old passions or hobbies: What did you enjoy before kids took up all your time? Maybe it was painting, gardening, playing music, or traveling. Dive back in or try a new hobby that intrigues you.
Strengthen your social connections: Invest time in friendships, your marriage, or social groups. Go out with friends, join clubs, or take classes. Expanding your social circle gives you support and fun independent of your child.
Volunteer or engage in community: Many parents find purpose by volunteering for a cause, mentoring youth, or getting involved in community projects. It’s a great way to use your skills and compassion, and it reminds both you and your child that you have a bigger life mission.
Focus on health and growth: Perhaps start an exercise routine, pick up reading for personal growth, or even consider a career move or further education if that’s relevant. Showing that you’re continually growing sends a powerful message that life doesn’t stop at a certain age or revolve around one role.

By cultivating your own life, you accomplish two things. First, you become emotionally stronger and happier, which naturally commands respect. You’re less likely to be reactive or needy toward your child when you have other fulfilling things in your life. Second, you set an example for your child about what a healthy adult life looks like – one with balance, boundaries, and personal growth. You’re essentially telling them, “I am here for you and love you, but my world does not solely orbit around you.” Paradoxically, the less you make them the center of your universe, the more they may come to respect and even cherish the time and help you do give.

Final Thoughts

Regaining respect with your young adult or adult child won’t happen instantly, but with patience and consistency, it is possible. Remember that respect is mutual: by respecting yourself and treating your child with mature respect, you set the stage for them to respond in kind. Implementing these strategies might require stepping outside of your comfort zone – saying “no” more often, expecting more from your child, and focusing more on yourself. There may be bumps along the way, but stay the course. As one psychologist notes, recognizing and addressing unhealthy patterns is a vital step toward “demanding the respect everyone deserves.”

You deserve a relationship with your son or daughter that is built on mutual respect, understanding, and healthy boundaries. By stopping the chase for approval, refusing to engage in shouting matches, reclaiming your emotional independence, setting and enforcing boundaries, ending unappreciated over-giving, and thriving in your own life, you are sending a powerful message.

Ultimately, you’re teaching your adult child how to treat you – and showing them what self-respect and healthy adulthood look like. Over time, these changes can lead to a more positive, respectful, and fulfilling relationship for both of you. It’s never too late to reset the tone. Starting now, take the lead in transforming your relationship dynamics. Your steady example, self-respect, and love (tempered with firmness) will guide both you and your child toward a better, more respectful future together. Good luck – you’ve got this!

Reclaiming Respect: 6 Strategies for Parents of Adult Children