When Someone Makes Everything About Them

You’re in a conversation, trying to share something important, and suddenly—like clockwork—the focus shifts. They interrupt. They hijack the topic. They invalidate your feelings or pivot back to their own story. You feel dismissed, unseen, and exhausted.

It’s tempting to label them: narcissist, egomaniac, selfish.

But what if there’s more going on?

This blog isn’t about excusing toxic behavior. It’s about expanding our understanding of why some people seem incapable of true listening—and how to handle them in a way that protects your peace, preserves your energy, and honors your emotional truth.

Let’s look beneath the surface.

Why It Feels Like Narcissism (Even When It’s Not)

The term narcissist has become the go-to explanation for emotional disconnection and self-absorption. And while narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is real and serious, only a small percentage of the population actually meets the clinical criteria.

But many people still act in narcissistic ways. Why?

According to Dr. Craig Malkin, Harvard psychologist and author of Rethinking Narcissism, narcissism exists on a spectrum. And traits like defensiveness, validation-seeking, or emotional self-preoccupation often stem not from grandiosity—but from insecurity, anxiety, or poor emotional regulation.

So, the person who interrupts or dominates a conversation may not be self-centered—they may be dysregulated.

The Neuroscience of Not Listening

Listening is not just a moral behavior—it’s a neurological skill.

To truly listen, the brain must regulate its own emotional state, inhibit self-focused thoughts, and remain attuned to another person’s cues. This requires activation of the prefrontal cortex (for attention and empathy), dampening of the amygdala (which triggers defensiveness), and enough vagal tone in the parasympathetic nervous system to stay grounded.

When someone lacks these skills—due to trauma, neurodivergence, or chronic stress—they often appear self-centered or reactive, even if that’s not their intention.

Listening well is a regulated behavior. And some people have never learned how.

The Hidden Influence: Marijuana and the Listening Brain

In today’s cultural climate, marijuana is often portrayed as harmless, even therapeutic. But when it comes to emotional presence and relational communication, chronic marijuana use can have a quiet yet profound impact—particularly on the very brain structures responsible for empathy and listening.

THC, the psychoactive component of marijuana, affects the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for judgment, emotional regulation, impulse control, and executive functioning. This region is also essential for attunement—being able to mentally and emotionally track another person’s experience.

When the Prefrontal Cortex Is Numb

Studies have shown that long-term or high-dose THC use can lead to hypofrontality—a reduction in prefrontal cortex activity. This means the brain has a harder time:

• Shifting attention from self to other

• Delaying self-referential impulses

• Regulating emotions in the moment

• Interpreting nuanced social cues

• Accessing motivation to stay engaged

In relational terms, this can show up as:

• Flat or disconnected emotional tone

• Difficulty following conversations that require presence

• Reduced empathy or reflective insight

• Passive communication or avoidance

• An inability to respond meaningfully to a partner’s needs

And because marijuana blunts stress responses, it can create a false sense of calm—a kind of emotional bypassing that feels like peace but is actually dissociation.

The Emotional Cost of Numbing

For someone who struggles with anxiety, trauma, or overthinking, marijuana can temporarily soothe the nervous system. But over time, it may erode the very cognitive-emotional capacities required to stay relationally present.

In couples and families, this often leads to one person feeling "checked out" while the other feels increasingly alone or emotionally starved. Attempts to engage in deeper dialogue may be met with defensiveness, disinterest, or confusion—not necessarily out of malice, but due to the drug’s impact on cognitive-emotional processing.

Important Note: This isn’t about shame or prohibition. It’s about awareness. When we understand how substances affect the brain, we gain insight into behaviors that otherwise seem confusing or hurtful.

If you notice a pattern of emotional disconnection, lack of listening, or relationship stagnation in someone who uses marijuana regularly, it may not be about their character—it may be about their chemistry.

What Could Actually Be Going On

If someone consistently makes everything about them, consider these alternative explanations:

➤ Neurodivergence (ADHD, Autism Spectrum Traits)

Interrupting, topic-switching, or over-talking can be signs of executive dysfunction, not ego. Individuals with ADHD often struggle with working memory and impulse control. Many autistic individuals find direct conversation overwhelming or confusing and may default to self-reference to find common ground.

➤ Unprocessed Trauma

Those who have experienced early relational trauma may become emotionally flooded when others express strong feelings. To manage their own inner distress, they redirect, deny, or change the subject.

➤ Emotionally Immature Defenses

Some people were never taught how to sit with discomfort. They deflect or minimize as a way to avoid pain—not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to connect safely.

➤ Poor Modeling and Social Conditioning

If someone grew up in a family where listening wasn’t modeled—or where survival meant being loud and dominant—they may simply lack the relational skills needed for true dialogue.

How to Recognize When It Is Narcissism

Of course, sometimes it is narcissism.

The hallmark of pathological narcissism isn’t just self-focus—it’s lack of accountability combined with a pattern of exploiting or manipulating others for ego or control.

Red flags include:

• Gaslighting or rewriting history

• Stonewalling or punishing you for expressing needs

• Making every issue your fault

• Weaponizing your vulnerabilities against you

• Chronic entitlement with little empathy

If you’re constantly walking on eggshells or being emotionally drained, it’s worth seeking professional support to assess the dynamic more clearly.

How to Handle People Who Can’t Listen

Whether or not it’s narcissism, these interactions can be exhausting. Here’s how to protect your energy and stay grounded.

✅ Detach from the Fantasy

Stop hoping they’ll suddenly change mid-conversation. Accept what they are capable of today, and adjust your expectations.

✅ Use Boundaries, Not Just Explanations

Instead of repeating yourself, state your limit. Try: "I'm not feeling heard right now. I’m going to pause this conversation and come back when we can connect better."

✅ Speak for, Not at

Focus on how you feel and what you need—not what they did wrong. This reduces defensiveness and keeps you centered.

✅ Name the Pattern Once, Then Shift

It’s okay to call it out gently: "I notice when I share something important, the conversation often turns back to you. That’s hard for me."

But after one attempt, shift focus to protecting your own peace—not fixing their pattern.

What You Can Learn From These Dynamics

Even difficult people can be your teachers.

If someone consistently can’t listen to you, it might be time to:

• Strengthen your inner boundaries

• Stop explaining yourself to those committed to misunderstanding you

• Value your emotional experience even when it’s not validated externally

Some people won’t change—but you don’t have to lose yourself trying to be heard.

The Bigger Picture: Listening Is an Emotional Language

In a distracted, emotionally reactive world, deep listening is a rare skill. But it’s also a profound gift.

When someone truly listens, we feel loved. When they don’t, we feel erased.

But what matters most is how you listen to yourself.

If your inner voice says “this doesn’t feel good,” believe it. You don’t need proof to honor your discomfort. You need courage to act on it.

Not everyone who can’t listen is a narcissist. But everyone who chronically dismisses your truth needs boundaries.

You can be compassionate and clear. Understanding and discerning.

It’s not your job to teach people how to treat you. But it is your responsibility to decide what you’ll allow.

And sometimes, the most radical form of self-care is walking away from a conversation that was never going to include you.